A Wolf In The Shadows

Baron Wars

2008-05-12T15:51:23Z

Ah so, back from Baron Wars...

I arrived back yesterday, but I don't think I was all the way back, hell I probably still am not. I do hate that post-event blah that I get. I just don't ever want to leave events, especially now. Home does have its advantages though, like hot water and no dripping on my face while I sleep...

Yes, it seems that my tent is made of fail at this point... grr... I guess it is my own fault for trying to save money when I bought it. Now I have more events upcoming and have no working tent.

But, I am out of order:

I spent Thursday night working on accessories for my gunnery. I put together a series of holsters for the RBG pistols that wynkyn and I make. The holsters turned out wonderfully, though my neighbor was unimpressed as I lost track of time and was hammering away at rivets at around 2am.

Friday was packing up and prepping for everything, which went relatively well. cristobat showed up a little after 2pm and away we went, making good time up to site. For those that have never been, Baron Wars is hosted in a wonderfully restored fort overlooking the Maumee river. The atmosphere of this place really helps to motivate one into event mode. Camp set-up went quickly and well and soon everyone else began arriving.

A night of play at the Rapier Tent was enjoyable, especially when the "wobbly warder" showed up. It appears that nauraki had quite a good time out with her parents. Of course, I was informed that practice started at 9am, and since I needed to make sure everyone else was up and moving in the morning, I opted to hit camp around 2am and get some sleep.

However, fail does happen. And a slightly drunk and happy Lothair, pleased to have a wonderful air mattress soon found himself stripped down and under a single sheet sleeping peacefully... until about 4am when the winds shifted to cross the river and send the temperatures dropping. After finding clothes and blankets I managed to get another two hours of sleep before wandering out of the tent as the sun finished rising and begin getting people up and moving, organizing coffee for those that can not function without it, and getting my own gear together.

War practice was a bit late, but got moving rather quickly and allowed Wednesday Company many an opportunity to show our skills. The entire practice went very well, and seemed to help many people. A little bit of good fighting was seen and then we broke for lunch.

I spent lunch and most of the time for the Kingdom Rapier Champion Tourney sitting at camp and making ammunition for the RBGs. Then I suited up and played in the Captain's Boarding Action, which was actually more fun then I had thought it would be. Then came what I had been looking forward to the entire weekend, the Block House Tavern Brawl.

I suited up, strapping on a dual holster rig at my waist, tossing another pistol in my back, and slinging up two muskets... *evil grin*.

I made quite an impression with people switching out guns, speed reloading, and landing some really pretty shots at other gunners who decided I was way too much of a threat to leave alone. All in all it was a glorious run for our new weapons, and I have a long list of modifications that will make them better.

A little hang out time at camp, filled with discussions as to why it is better to be pantsless, how white can a woman's legs be, and general rest and then off to court. Their Royal Majesties hold the most wonderful courts, and Captain Craidd had gotten a nice big food order in so we all fell to.

That night held to be a great evening. Back to the Rapier tent with my new mini-mini-mug in place and the party began. I found myself drinking and toasting with the other Landsknechts and then ended up being the test dummy for the Lt. General's impromptu German Wrestling class in the back of the tent. Some pretty heavy discussions with said General about physical ability, improving ones fencing, and duty to the Kingdom led me to wandering about the camp for a bit and finding myself at Iron Lance camp.

This has spurred me to realize now that there should be a new policy if the Von B's are around at an event: 1. Drink with Lothair, 2. Realize Lothair has wandered away from the other Rapier fighters about the same time as the heavy fighters left, 3. Make sure Lothair isn't drinking with the heavies. Don't get me wrong, I love being able to hang out with the heavies, but I really don't need to be drinking until the sun comes up... and loosing my new mug in the process...

Unfortunately, my drinking failure caused me to be passed out when the announcement came early that morning that a big storm was rolling in and if we wanted to have our gear down before it was wet we needed to do so then...

After a few hours of rain, I woke up... doh... And had a very miserable time packing up all of my wet gear and returning home.

I dropped like a rock after a hot shower and slept most of the evening away, got up and went to bed and woke up this morning, still feeling very detached from myself, and missing being out at an event.

So now I am at work, nursing very sore joints, a massive headache, and a desire to be back out away from modern life.

Oh, and I found that my tent leaks, badly in at least two places, has a probable tear in the floor, and at least three leaky seams... grr...

Well, back to work, and trying not to pine for further event goodness, because this weekend approaches fast, and then it is back to what I love!

lordlothair @ 2008-05-06T11:11:00

2008-05-06T15:16:29Z

Might I just mention:

I hate Mac

Not just a passing hatred, oh no, this is a core hatred, a thing that should not be, I find myself wanting more than anything to wipe the machines from the face of the earth...

Also, I hate change...

I have been in a foul mood all day, I'm not sure why, I have been doing really well for the last few days, but I woke up cranky and having everything change on me at work just makes it worse...

Not to mention that I am not getting enough hours...
And I still have to figure out where I'm going to live...
And I still have to figure out how I'm going to afford to replace all the things I have lost...
And I still have to make sure that I can even afford to live in Bloomington for the next two years...
And I still have to figure out how to afford to keep playing the SCA...
And I have to try and keep my car running so I can make it out to SCA events to use all the things I spend money on...

grrr... It is a day of grrr...

I actually managed to bust my ass enough to pull down some good grades this semester, I am impressed considering everything that happened over the last few months, it took a lot, but I pulled off my 3.0 somehow...

Things still suck at home, it seems that no matter what I do, things just keep getting worse, but at least I am granted a small repast for the next couple of weeks, I guess that is something...

just grrr... that is all...

And I hate Mac...

Yoinked for the Win

2008-04-25T04:15:44Z

I am in an odd mood, too much Lakhota translating in one night I think...

I yoinked this from the ever great roivassusej who brings us the wonders of the "Bacon Flow Chart" and now this...

I will be nice, and place it under a cut for those of my reading audience (looking at nauraki) who may have a small issue with certain members of the Arachnid family...

That's very amusing

2008-04-25T04:02:40Z

Just for Axis I decided I would play with a little name generator...

I find the result rather great:

Your Rapper Name Is...

Humpin' Alchemist

What's Your Rapper Name?

Axis of Evil finds Urban Decay

2008-04-23T21:47:03Z

Monday night, April 28th

Axis of Evil
Jake's Bloomington

The best of Goth, Industrial, EBM, SynthPop and more from local and regional DJ's returns to Bloomington, this time, with a twist:

Axis of Evil presents Urban Decay.
A testament to the changes of urban life and society. A tribute to the urban underground. A treatment for the decay of the streets around us.

With:
9-10 - DJ Hearsay
10-11 - DJ Ravenwolf
11-12 - Sister Midnight + Mister Grey
1-2 - Freeze Etch
12-1 - DJs Nazrin Lorhall + MC Vicious

A mix of cultures will find your ears and move your feet on Monday, be there because...

You will dance!

Whole Lotta Shaking Going On...

2008-04-18T15:24:38Z

You know, it is an unusual sensation to be in the top floor of the tower at the library when the ground shakes... hehe, kinda weird to feel that...

As long as the tower doesn't fall down until after I leave for the day, it is all good!

Makes me wonder how secure these buildings are against tremors? Maybe I shouldn't think about how structurally stable a giant limestone tower is...

lordlothair @ 2008-04-18T08:49:00

2008-04-18T12:52:21Z

You know, sometimes I hate having the senses of a wolf... nah, that isn't true. But it is somewhat annoying to wake up five minutes before an earthquake because my "wolf sense" is tingling and start looking around about the time the junkyard dogs behind my place start barking. Oh well, I must say that it has been many a year since I was in an earthquake, and this one was pretty unimpressive (especially since the last few I had been in were in San Fransico!)

So maybe it is a sign of things to come, shaking everything up, I can run with this as a good omen...

And then go down to Kentucky tonight to go drinking with my SCA friends and then stabby stabby on Saturday!

RIP Eli Biedermann 1995-2008

2008-03-30T17:31:03Z

I will miss Eli. Eli was the greatest dog I have had in a long time. Black Lab Great Dane mix, and so smart.

We got him when we were working with a group called AIM-HI (Animals in the Military Helping Individuals). AIM-HI specializes in training animals for placement with Vets and Dependents that need assistance. They would open and close doors, turn things on and off, get phones, carry things for people, etc. Eli made it through nine months of training before being washed out. Eli had a bad habit of thinking horses were big cranky dogs that needed to be played with, Squirrels were Dog Toys, and Cats were a lite snack. Needless to say when Eli dragged the maniquin up and down the stairs three times chasing the cats they had let loose, they decided he would be too hard to place.

We brought Eli home and that was that.

I remember how many different ways he always proved just how smart he was. I was out mowing the yard one day and Eli wanted to come out too. I wouldn't let him so he sat at the sliding glass door for a few minutes barking until he knew I was looking at him. Then very calmly, he hopped up and slapped the door lock down, locking me out of the house. With a very smug look, he turned and climbed on the couch and laid down.

Then there were the times when he wanted to play and I was watching TV. He would sit down right infront of the TV and cock his head to one side. That was the warning look. If I failed to acknowledge him then he would turn around and hit the power button, turning off the TV. He would turn back around and sit patiently waiting to be tended to.

Eli had started getting tumorous growths a few years back. We had been able to remove them all and he showed no signs of any difficulties. A week or two ago my parents noticed a change in his eating habits. It was found that a tumor had begun forming in his jaw. It had eaten its way through the bone and muscles on one side of his jaw, and forced his tongue to one side. My parents called me yesterday and let me know that the tumor had burst and the bleeding would not stop, they put him down yesterday afternoon.

Its just one more thing pilling up. It makes me wonder what else is going to fail now, what more is going to pile up on me and weigh me down. I guess I can only wait and see how much worse this year is going to get, see what else the Goddess feels I can loose.

SCA

2008-03-28T03:45:39Z

Well, I had a most wonderful night fighting in my brand new linen armor shirt... ahh, not falling over from wearing eight pounds of leather is wonderful!

With the money currently invested, and the fact that if I don't get out of this miserable place more often I will just go insane, I am going to attempt to resume my SCA plans. Money is horridly tight, but I'll deal, besides I have a brand new Long Sword I am going to need to play with very soon!

So, first up will be Grand Tournement of the Unicorn in Oxford, OH on April 12th.

Anyone else heading that way? Daytrips or hotel? Anyone in the Cincy area looking at going up that a Lothair might come by to visit and crash with on Friday night before hand?

Axis of Evil

2008-03-25T22:18:41Z

It was a most wonderful set last night, the floor was packed, the music was on, and I was burning it up, if I do say so myself! I got to play just about everything that I wanted to, I got lots of knowing looks and fists in the air, and somehow the irony of it all was still lost on some people… oh well, what’cha gonna do?
My thanks to everyone that made it out and danced their legs off, everyone that entertained me at the bar, and everyone that watched me get drug around by beautiful women wanting to do shots with me… Yeah, it was a good night.

Axis of Evil, March Set List

Ramshackle – Eyes, Lips, Body [Mekon Vocal Mix]
Collide – Slither Thing [Amish Rake Fight Mix]
Snake River Conspiracy – How Soon is Now?
The Last Dance – Once Beautiful
Puscifer – The Undertaker [Renholder Mix]
Abney Park – White Wedding
MDFMK – Get Out Of My Head
Girls Under Glass – Grey in Grey [Wolfsheim]
The Cure – Burn
And One – You Don’t Love Me Anymore
Wolfsheim – Find You’re Here [Single Edit]
Emilie Autumn – Liar [Manic Depressive Mix by ASP]
VNV Nation – Epicentre
Gravity Kills – Guilty [Juno Reactor Remix]
Nimbus – When Doves Cry
The Cruxshadows – Sophia [Radio Edit] *by request
Alice Deejay – Better Off Alone [DJ Tatana Mix]
Front 242 – Happiness [Dance Mix by Underworld]

I had originally considered posting up the lyrics from many of these songs as well, but that seems a bit drawn out, and really, if you don’t get it by that set-list, you never will! Here are a few choice snippets that I love so much:

Slither Thing:
“I know the way that you are, I know that’s all that you feel, I know whoever you are, That’s all you could be…”

How Soon Is Now?:
“How can you say I go about things the wrong way? I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does…”

Once Beautiful
“Make me see, make me listen, make me wonder, make me feel, make me dream and still remember… As my voice, it's silent, and my heart, it feels less than before, and my feelings fail me, pretending to be lovely…”

The Undertaker
“Thank you for making me feel like I am guilty. Making it easy to murder your sweet memory…”

White Wedding
“Take me back home, there is nothing fair in this world, there is nothing safe in this world, and there's nothing sure in this world, and there's nothing pure in this world. Look for something left in this world and start again…”

Get Out of My Head
“Forget what you've been told, conceal the truth you know. The phoenix fights desire, and you know just what I mean… What you can't touch you'll never hold…”

Grey in Grey
“Blue in blue, falling into isolation. Grey in grey, no event stops the slow and long time. Yeah the feeling has gone with the wind like a painful cold breath. Turn into blue eyes but I still miss you.

Burn
“Don't talk of worlds that never were, the end is all that's ever true. There's nothing you can ever say, nothing you can ever do... Still every night I burn…”

You Don’t Love Me Anymore
“Still it echoes in my head, things you did and the things you said… I'm sorry it had to end this way, but nothing matters anyway. You don't love me anymore…”

Find You’re Here
“I find you're here, moving on. You're just doing what you want, and I can't find it wrong. I know for sure, you would be gone. You wouldn't stay with me, if something better comes along… I don't know where you've been tonight. I guess, you've been with someone else, but I don't care if I'm right…”

Epicentre
“I asked myself was I content, with the world that I once cherished. Did it bring me to this darkened place, to contemplate my perfect future? I will not stand nor utter words against this tide of hate, losing sight of what and who I was again…”

I think most everything else is pretty self explanatory.

Axis of Evil March 24th

2008-03-20T13:04:30Z

Hey all, times are set of Axis of Evil:

9-10 - Freeze Etch
10-11 - Hearsay
11-12 - Nazrin Lorhall
12-1 - Ravenwolf
1-2 - Catravine

I better see you all out and read to dance by Midnight!

Anyone have anything that they just HAVE to hear? Let me know ASAP so I can make sure I have it with me.

Axis of Evil, March 24th

2008-03-18T13:07:30Z

It is that time again,

Axis of Evil
Bloomington Longest Running Dark Dance Night returns to celebrate Zombie Jebus, Shagging Bunnies, and oddly addictive candy eggs.

Monday Night,
March 24th 9pm - 2am
21+ only please
$4 at the door
at Jakes
419 N. Walnut
Bloomington, IN

A night of dark dance music featuring yours truly and some of the best DJs in the area!

This night is going to be a special night, a musical backhand, a gothic opera, hell, a great time to dance!

Good drinks, great prices, dark dance music, beautiful people, and more, why wouldn't you be there?

You will dance, and always remember:

"Bunnies are for shagging and eggs are for fertility!"

Thoughts and what not

2008-03-17T04:49:18Z

Move along unless you really want to know what is running around in my head...

So I've been stuck thinking, really all I can do, actions don't seem to have much value or use. So me, thinking, drinking and thinking, pulling out all the music that is never a good thing to sit and listen to over and over, but doing it anyway leads me to some pretty heavy things.

Thinking about everything I have lost, everything I will lose. It's a heavy price to pay. There is a lot there, even stupid seemingly little things are carrying a level of weight right now, a level that just drags me down.

I will miss so much.

Sitting drinking, thinking, listen to music and looking at pictures, these being things that Lothair should never really do, gets me remembering, no... my dreams have been doing that, this just makes it real. I guess everything is just catching up, being very real, very heavy.

I'll miss fantastic salads infront of the TV

I still find myself flipping back and forth from sad and remorseful to angry and hurt, there is a thin line between them, but my moods vary greatly depending on which one I find myself in. That's probably something that I should try and work on, but it brings be to one of my problems... okay, one of my many problems...

I really don't know how to not be me. That seems like a good thing, as many people as constantly push the whole, "be yourself and be proud of it" thing. Hell, I've said those words myself to people in need of help, but the problem with that theory is, sometimes that isn't what you need to do. Hell, for me that is never what I should do, this is what I have realized, call it my epiphany:

I don't belong here. Not in Bloomington persay, but just here in the metaphysical sense. I don't belong, I don't think the way people think, I don't act the way others act, I don't feel the way they feel. My values are different, my beliefs are different, and I find myself now very isolated by that. I find myself unable to really understand what is happening in my life, because I'm not wired that way. Sure there are some isolated pockets of people that actually get what I am saying, but they are few and far between here. Old souls get it, they remember what I am talking about, Defenders understand, Protectors have been there. I guess this is the first time I have really ever been so completely isolated from people like myself. This is the first place that I have lived that the general populace doesn't thank someone for being a soldier, Hell I have found people here that refuse to speak to me because of it. I am not surrounded by Paramedics and ex-Military, people that hold the same levels of care for others and honour so closely to who they are... instead I find myself in a place that I don't want to be. A world that I find distasteful and hurtful.

I find this world to be a selfish ego driven place. A place where it is okay to lie to someone's face and do whatever you want anyway, regardless of the hurt it may cause another. I find myself in a world where what the "I" wants outweighs the needs of others. Everyone that knows me knows that I have a hard time with this way of being. That I am the opposite, that given any need voiced or not voiced I drop everything and bend over backwards to help, to heal, to protect, to defend. But I am finding myself mostly alone in this here, and that is a very cold feeling.

So here I am anyway, the consumate defender, the White Knight with the Martyr complex, or whatever other expression that I am sure runs through peoples' heads when they attempt to read this. Here I am realizing that seperated from the small group of people that I had found that shared my values, that really got it, whether they agreed or not, that I am the lone knight on the field... and I guess that gets me thinking that I may not be standing up for some long dead way of being, holding courage and selflessness up, but rather just jousting with windmills.

As I said, just a good bit of heavy feelings, of course dreams of the past few years kick that into play, and the two hour "conversation" with my parents yesterday certainly didn't help. I figured I should update them with what was going on, with the fact that I would have to be moving, and I didn't know what I was going to do with that. I got about what I expected: a good deal of "I told you so", "how could you jeopardize your future", "what were you thinking", "how could you be so irresponsible", etc... Don't you love the way parents can always make you doubt yourself, who you are, and what you hold to have meaning? Most of that being from my Mother of course, that is her specialty. My father gave me very little, which is usual. All in all the main response was, "you got yourself into this, figure out how to get out of it, grow up and deal".

Deal? That is something that so many people keep telling me to do, and I realy don't understand what is expected. Can I not be upset? Is it not alright to be hurt and confused and lost? I am so used to being the one guiding everyone else through the woods that I get very turned around when I am the one off the trail.

But deal is what I have to do, deal is what I do. I am Lothair, it is expected of me. I am the warrior and the defender, I obviously don't need help, I help everyone else, this means I have all my ducks in a row and handle things just fine... garr... That is not to say that there haven't been honest offers for help. The problem is that all but two people don't live down here, and I can't just run away to Indy and be back with my friends that I guess I probably should have never left.

Memories are a funny thing that way. When the rug gets pulled out from under you all you really have is what you remember.

I will miss the quiet conversations in bed about anything or nothing at all.

I get so sick and tired of people given me the "lip service" responses. "hey, how you doing?" Stupid question huh? "If you need anything let me know" as long as I'm not out with your ex at the time... oops, my bad! Again, not that I think people have to "take sides" I hate that expression. It would just be nice to get some equal treatment, instead of feeling like I am an anathema. Then again, I do some of that to myself, Hell I have pushed away the one person in all the world that understands me better than anyone else because she became friends with her... and I don't want to make things ackward for them... look at me I'm a great doormat! I guess really it is the fact that I wouldn't know how to ask for help if I had to. But whatever the reason, I find myself being told so many things, and then finding people's actions to be very contrary to those words. The only conclusion I can find is that I can only trust actions, and make some attempt to defend myself by ignoring the words.

I will miss those moments of utter peace in each other's arms.

I understand that things happen, people change, etc... But why? Why being the main question I ask anymore, and seldom do I ever get an answer. Why do people interact the way they do? Some people answer that as a generational thing. The "me Generation" taking care of themselves. Some people respond with the fact that it is a college town and far too many of the people here just don't know how to act, because that is what they are learning. That I sort of agree with. I mean, Hell, I learned more in my year drinking, fighting, and partying my scholarship at Auburn away then I have ever learned. So I will give that some level of credit I guess.

Really I guess that the realization that I am about to lose so much, coupled with really missing those things right now, coupled with doing silly things like listening to music and drinking and looking at pictures, and thinking, just leaves me with a big empty space. A big space that used to be filled, and now it isn't, and I can't blame. If I could blame, if I could point fingers and find fault... but how can I? She has a right to be her, and I want her to be happy, since that apparently doesn't involve me, then how could I ever ask her to stay? I know I can't.

Part of my problem is the internal debate... no debate is too civil. Arguement is a better word. Internal arguement about Acceptance and Suffering. The one thing that my Dad really gave in this was a discussion about Defeat. Accepting defeat versus suffering. Suffering, of course, being the resistance of pain. We make ourselves suffer by denying, refusing to accept, trying to fight something we can't etc. I understand that. But the one thing that I don't get is, how do you accept defeat without giving up completely? And when other people and their choices are involved, how exactly are you supposed to keep fighting? Try and change her mind? That won't happen I know that. Try and prove her wrong? That would cause her pain, won't happen. But if I give up, if I accept this loss, then what happens to me? I have never given up before, and I am at that line, teetering on the edge of giving up, and I think that scares me.

I will miss the smell when I pushed you up against the wall and bit your neck.

Fear is an odd thing. Something I was taught from about six to not have. For those that don't know I was raised by the military. I grew up in various military academies all over the world. I was taught to be a warrior, to be a leader, to do what must be done regardless of things like fear and uncertainty. But those lessons don't really seem to apply, they seem to be failing me in this issue. I am not afraid of things that most people are. I am not afraid of dying, when the Goddess wants me back she will take me. I am not afraid of violence, I have a list as long as my leg of how many times I have been in bad fights, stabbed, shot, dropped out of helicopters, jumped off of cliffs, etc. Hell, the last time a Doctor looked at my medical chart he counted up the times that I should have died and was very impressed (the last one was four times the lethal dose of Carbon Monoxide from a broken exhaust pipe in an old reserve ambulance. I drove the patient and my partner 5 miles in that towards the hospital, calling in constant status reports and updating them on my vitals and his (as he had already passed out and the patient was critical). And I almost made it. I controlled the ambulance to a stop a few blocks away and hit the distress buttton when I knew I couldn't do it anymore.) Death doesn't frighten me, Pain doesn't scare me, my already discussed large medical chart shows that. Hell, I lived out of my car for a while because I couldn't afford rent etc after a personal situation went to crap, so loss obviously doesn't scare me... but even with all these rambly things, I am scared, and because that is something that is so foreign to me I don't know how to deal with it. Maybe there isn't a way to, that is why it is fear.

I will miss every time you said "I love you" and I could see the love in your eyes.

So what have we discussed (assuming anyone is actually still reading this rambly mess!):

1. Parent's suck
2. I don't belong
3. I am hurting but can't seem to find an acceptable way to show that
4. I am scared to stop fighting and give up
5. I really am rather lost in the woods right now

Grand, isn't that a happy list to look at?

I would try and compare what I am ranting about to the stages of grief, I know that is (in essence) what I am having to deal with, but I also know that I generally don't follow them well.

I know I am past the denial stage... I was living in that for the last few months. And I guess it fits in well with the the whole "accepting defeat" thing. I actually had believed the whole "if you love each other and you try everything will be fine" statement. So I kept loving, and I kept trying, but I wouldn't let myself see that I was the only one doing so. So yeah, denial is long gone. There is no going back. No regrets right? Isn't that how I am supposed to live me life? "If you do everything right then you have nothing to regret." What a crock of shit!

So what then anger? Yeah I don't generally dwell in anger long, I can't, not my "style". A part of me actually wants to be angry, but that would cause others pain, so I wont do it. Hell, I can't even act like an asshole for other people's good...

That is sad, I guess that is what spurred this whole post. I had come to the conclusion that the best thing to do was to repulse her, to push her away by being an asshole, that would let her do her school work and get on with her life in a way that she has expressed she can't because she worries about me and doesn't like seeing the way I am... Okay, I am restrainig a bit of a side rant about this, so maybe there is still a little anger! But the essence of it is simple. If I am an asshole that she wouldn't want to care about it will make things better for her. That was the choice I made, I can't pull it off, I've been trying but I don't know how. I can't stop loving her and worrying about her and wanting to do for her, and no matter how badly I get treated those things wont just stop... it makes for a tough way to try and be an ass.

Bargaining? Nah, I was doing that for the last few months ontop of my denial stage! Sure more space, here you go. Sure another conversation about things, here you go, whatever just don't leave, I'll do whatever just ask... I guess that in some ways it is good that she didn't, but I probably wont ever accpet that.

Depression? Ah, now there is the kicker! How do we define that? I'm not happy, does that mean I am depressed? bah, everyone is depressed in this world, hell they should be have you looked around at what we live in? I guess this is really where I am, if I am going to be honest with myself... then again, when have I ever done that?

The next step is that great big Acceptance word again. Acceptance, allowing yourself to be okay with loosing, to be okay with this huge list of things that I keep finding in my head that I am going to miss. Why should I be okay with that? Why should I be okay to say that I failed, that what I had sought out was a fable?

Fables, fairy Tales, ah a rant for another night I am sure. Let's just say I am done with them. I can't continue holding onto the way things were, the way I think things should be, the way I remember, the beautiful reward I feel I have been promised. Hell, the promise I see in another's eye is a lie, so why should I believe that there is anything more than here and now?

I will miss more than I can ever express to you, more than I can list.

Which brings me to the big question for everyone that actually managed to get through all of this ramble (I think there are probable two of you)

How do I adapt, how to I act the way everyone else does? How do I let go of the things that I have grasped so tightly that everything I have wanted has slipped through my hands? I obviously am at fault, therefore "adapt or die" becomes precedent. How do I just do for me? How do I engage in random, meanless sexual encounters, how do I tell people what they want to hear but then do what I want anyway? How do I change who I am so that I have some chance of finding something that I can actually hold onto? That is all I really ask for, I just want something I can hold onto...

Since I don't actually expect answers, and I am getting myself into a rather weak state by running with this line of thought, I will spare everyone any further rambling. Hell, I will probably delete this in the morning when I finally drag my ass to work and remember what I did. So I guess that is the reward the two of you get for making it all the way through this.

SCA Plans and things falling apart

2008-03-12T04:12:04Z

All SCA plans I have previously listed are on hold pending cancellation now.

My apologies to anyone that was counting on me for anything, as it seems that I will be more than likely unable to attend anything now.

SCA to do list!

2008-03-04T22:12:10Z

20 yards of 2 layer punch tested linen... it is mine...

hehe... Time to attach myself to a sewing machine for a few months and say good-bye to the Lothair roasting leather armor!

To make:
3-4 Linen Armor Shirts
1 new Court Shirt (full period construction)
2 sets of fighting Hosen (quasi-period construction)
1 Set of Court Hosen (full period construction for that one)
2 sets of fighting Wams
1 set of Court Wams
1 Waffenrok
1 pair fighting boots/shoes
1 pair court shoes
2 sets of new heavy fighting clothing

To Repair:
Leather doublet getting ragged at one seam, need to fix that
current fighting shirt's gussets are coming out
Leather pants should be cleaned and packed away
Heavy Armor needs to be reconditioned and restrapped
Heavy Helm padding needs to be redone
Heavy shield needs to be restrapped and repainted
Heavy sword needs to be stripped down and re-tipped and resecured to the hilt

To Purchase:
Underarmor (I am probably going to cheat on my fighting hosen and just make outer hosen of whatever will hold up well and use the underarmor to make sure I am abrasion resistent)
Buckler (metal, undetermined size)
Katzbalger Short Sword
Messer Long knife
Possibly a new Heavy Helm and bits of new arms and legs if the price is right
When time and money allow, the matched dagger to my Rapier

For the Workshop:
Must make more Pistols
Must make more Muskets
Must make more, more, more ammo!

wow... that is going to take a while! good thing I have until July!

lordlothair @ 2008-03-01T08:58:00

2008-03-01T14:00:22Z

Has anyone ever noticed that occassionally LJ will decide to redo something or modify something without telling you? I'm not even talking about a code issue, but like the fact that half of my friends page dissapeared for no reason... I know there were a good bit more people on it the last time I looked, and now... poof... everyone is gone.

I guess I could take it as a very interesting metaphor for life, or I can just keep posting about random things like this to keep myself from going into a rant...

Back to trying to figure out who is gone... I wish I could remember people's LJ names better.

lordlothair @ 2008-02-20T11:27:00

2008-02-20T16:34:33Z

I have spent the majority of the night, and most of the day trying to answer questions, figure things out, etc... I have a great big rambling post that I want to put up... but I wont, not my style to give in to my impulses.

I'll put it this way,

Infinitas, unbounded. Often shown as two interconnecting concentric shapes.

Two states of being, both connected, neither ending as the other begins

A cycle of movement

sometimes one way, sometimes the other

No matter what is done at one point, you will always end up at the other given time.

How does one stop the cycle of infinity? Why do our actions never change the inevitable outcome?

Two states of being, for infinity

Love and Pain Eternal

Wolfsheim - Kein Zurück
Weißt du noch, wie's war
Kinderzeit... wunderbar...
Die Welt ist bunt und schön.
Bis du irgendwann begreifst,
Dass nicht jeder Abschied heißt,
Es gibt auch ein Wiedersehen

Immer vorwärts, Schritt um Schritt ... Es geht kein Weg zurück!
Und Was jetzt ist, wird nie mehr ungeschehen.
Die Zeit läuft uns davon, Was getan ist, ist getan.
Was jetzt ist, wird nie mehr so geschehen.

Ein Wort zuviel im Zorn gesagt,
'N Schritt zu weit nach vorn gewagt.
Schon ist es vorbei.
Was auch immer jetzt getan,
Was ich gesagt hab´, ist gesagt,
Und was wie ewig schien ist schon Vergangenheit.

Ach, und könnt' ich doch nur ein einz'ges Mal Die Uhren rückwärts drehen,
Denn wieviel von dem, was ich heute weiß, Hätt' ich lieber nie gesehen.

Dein Leben dreht sich nur im Kreis,
So voll von weggeworfener Zeit,
und Deine Träume schiebst Du endlos vor Dir her.
Du willst noch leben irgendwann,
Doch wenn nicht heute, wann denn dann...?
Denn irgendwann ist auch ein Traum zu lange her.

Movie Night

2008-02-17T22:54:35Z

Impromptu Movie Night

Tonight, at Casa de Lothair

9pm for:

Knight Rider...

Yes that's right, I am that much of a dork, but I grew up watching that show all throughout the 80s and I am curious what they will do with it.

So, come one, come all, bring some booze, bring your fond memories of shows from the 80s and hang out and enjoy the Big Screen, Surround Sound goodness that I have to offer you!

And as a side note: Don't ever go back and watch shows that you remember from Childhood, just leave those memories happy... poor, poor A-Team...

Axis of Evil

2008-02-17T22:49:08Z

I'm not DJing this time, but just incase people don't know about it:

Axis of Evil
Monday Night at 9pm
Jake's Nightclub
419 N. Walnut
Bloomington, IN

I must be a part of this… come forth Pop Culture Mavens and discuss!

2008-02-14T23:27:18Z

1. Pick 10 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. Italize it when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
5. NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions.
6. One movie guess at a time. Give people a chance to guess before you steal all of the awesome! Comments are screened to let people guess.

========================================================

1 - “If his unpleasant wounding has in some way enlightened the rest of you as to the grim finish beneath the glossy veneer of criminal life and inspired you to change your ways, then his injuries carry with it an inherent nobility, and a supreme glory. We should all be so fortunate. You say poor Toby? I say poor us.” Gone in 60 Seconds, brought to us by moonandserpent and sissy_alicia

2 – “The ship brought me back. I told you she won't let me leave - she won't let anyone leave. Did you really think you could destroy this ship? She's defied space and time. She's been to a place you couldn't possibly imagine. And now... it is time to go back.” Event Horizon as answered by roivassusej and others!

3 – “Well, let me explain the New World Order. Governments and corporations need people like you and me. We are Samurai... the Keyboard Cowboys... and all those other people who have no idea what's going on are the cattle... Moooo.” Hackers answered by feyangel who seems to want to try and answer all of them!

4 – “But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, snap! The hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and it land safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.” Mallrats, from the comic reading, sega playing golconda2

5 – “Yeah, she was in great pain! Then we cut off her head, and drove a stake through her heart, and burned it, and then she found peace.” Bram Stoker's Dracula, by akra_brigid and an army of others!

6 – “All right, let's sum up. This year in history, we talked about the failure of democracy. How the social scientists of the 21st Century brought our world to the brink of chaos. We talked about the veterans, how they took control and imposed the stability that has lasted for generations since. We talked about the rights and privileges between those who served in the armed forces and those who haven't, therefore called citizens and civilians.” Starship Troopers from the ever knowing Ninja_turbo!

7 – “No questions. No answers. That's the business we're in. You just accept it and move on. Maybe that's lesson number three.” Ronin, from corporatepiracy, the one quote I didn't think anyone would get!

8 – “I don't gripe to *you*, Reiben. I'm a captain. There's a chain of command. Gripes go up, not down. Always up. You gripe to me, I gripe to my superior officer, so on, so on, and so on. I don't gripe to you. I don't gripe in front of you. You should know that as a Ranger.” Saving Private Ryan, from the knowledgable whoaderus

9 – “Cause the house always wins. Play long enough, you never change the stakes. The house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet and you bet big, then you take the house.” Ocean's Eleven, as answered by kniedzw

10 – “Now, dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old pussy, and have brought your two small mincey faggot balls along for a good old time. But you've got your parties mangled up. There's no pussy here, just a dose that'll make you wish you were born a woman. Like a prick, you are having second thoughts. You are shrinking, and your two little balls are shrinking with you. And the fact that you've got "Replica" written down the side of your gun...” Snatch by the talented x_turkish_x

lordlothair @ 2008-02-14T09:58:00

2008-02-14T14:59:26Z

I hate Valentine's Day... with an utter passion... even more this year than most it seems...

grr...

Trying to keep my brain busy by figuring out if I am going down to the Candlemas event in Lexington on Friday night or just waiting until Saturday morning.

lordlothair @ 2008-02-06T00:16:00

2008-02-06T05:17:49Z

Well, after a year and half I get to see if I can remember how this being single thing works...

The Dude abides, that is all.

Tenative SCA Schedule; or, Kiss My Weekends Goodbye!

2008-01-31T04:19:09Z

SCA Event Schedule for Lothair:
Feb 16 – Candlemas XXI (Dragonsmark) – Lexington, KY
April 19-20 – Spring Coronation (TBA)
May 9-11 – Baron Wars XI (March of the Marshes) – Perrysburg, OH
May 24-25 – Spring Crown Tourney and Kingdom A&S (Fenix) – Fort Mitchell, KY
June 6-8 – Border Skirmish V - Lakemoor, IL
June 27-29 – Border Raids XXXVI – Fort Knox, KY (if they open up Rapier events this year)
July 18-20 – Simple Day – Franklin, IN (50/50 on this one)
July 25-Aug 10 – Pennsic War XXXVII – Slippery Rock, PA (Don’t know about Peace Week yet)
Aug 29-31 – MKAoD XI – Lake Villa, IL
Sept 27-28 – Fall Coronation
November 7-9 – KWAR 2008 – Fort Mitchell, KY
Plus whatever event ends up being declared for constellation Regional War Practice.

All of that on top of 1st Saturday of every month being my Unhallowed Metropolis Game, whatever 2nd Saturdays that are still available being OWBN Indianapolis Game, whatever 4th Saturdays are still available being OWBN Bloomington Game... kiss my weekends good bye until after war!

Swords and SCA

2008-01-16T02:38:40Z

So my new Sword is going to be shipped out tomorrow... SQQQUUUUEEEE!!!!

I am hoping that I can get them to expedite the shipping so that it will show up for me so I can use it at Maiden's... but I realize that I don't have tips! Doh!

Any SCAers out in the vast LJ world that have any Mid-Realm tips that they would happen to have a spare that could be brought to Maiden's would be great!

Here's hoping I can show off my new pretty this weekend!

lordlothair @ 2008-01-15T00:58:00

2008-01-15T06:03:21Z

Album cover meme from, well, everyone:

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Photo credit to [ So gesehen. ]™'s photos @
http://www.flickr.com/photos/bucher/