| Thoughts and what not |
[Mar. 16th, 2008|11:46 pm] |
Move along unless you really want to know what is running around in my head...
So I've been stuck thinking, really all I can do, actions don't seem to have much value or use. So me, thinking, drinking and thinking, pulling out all the music that is never a good thing to sit and listen to over and over, but doing it anyway leads me to some pretty heavy things.
Thinking about everything I have lost, everything I will lose. It's a heavy price to pay. There is a lot there, even stupid seemingly little things are carrying a level of weight right now, a level that just drags me down.
I will miss so much.
Sitting drinking, thinking, listen to music and looking at pictures, these being things that Lothair should never really do, gets me remembering, no... my dreams have been doing that, this just makes it real. I guess everything is just catching up, being very real, very heavy.
I'll miss fantastic salads infront of the TV
I still find myself flipping back and forth from sad and remorseful to angry and hurt, there is a thin line between them, but my moods vary greatly depending on which one I find myself in. That's probably something that I should try and work on, but it brings be to one of my problems... okay, one of my many problems...
I really don't know how to not be me. That seems like a good thing, as many people as constantly push the whole, "be yourself and be proud of it" thing. Hell, I've said those words myself to people in need of help, but the problem with that theory is, sometimes that isn't what you need to do. Hell, for me that is never what I should do, this is what I have realized, call it my epiphany:
I don't belong here. Not in Bloomington persay, but just here in the metaphysical sense. I don't belong, I don't think the way people think, I don't act the way others act, I don't feel the way they feel. My values are different, my beliefs are different, and I find myself now very isolated by that. I find myself unable to really understand what is happening in my life, because I'm not wired that way. Sure there are some isolated pockets of people that actually get what I am saying, but they are few and far between here. Old souls get it, they remember what I am talking about, Defenders understand, Protectors have been there. I guess this is the first time I have really ever been so completely isolated from people like myself. This is the first place that I have lived that the general populace doesn't thank someone for being a soldier, Hell I have found people here that refuse to speak to me because of it. I am not surrounded by Paramedics and ex-Military, people that hold the same levels of care for others and honour so closely to who they are... instead I find myself in a place that I don't want to be. A world that I find distasteful and hurtful.
I find this world to be a selfish ego driven place. A place where it is okay to lie to someone's face and do whatever you want anyway, regardless of the hurt it may cause another. I find myself in a world where what the "I" wants outweighs the needs of others. Everyone that knows me knows that I have a hard time with this way of being. That I am the opposite, that given any need voiced or not voiced I drop everything and bend over backwards to help, to heal, to protect, to defend. But I am finding myself mostly alone in this here, and that is a very cold feeling.
So here I am anyway, the consumate defender, the White Knight with the Martyr complex, or whatever other expression that I am sure runs through peoples' heads when they attempt to read this. Here I am realizing that seperated from the small group of people that I had found that shared my values, that really got it, whether they agreed or not, that I am the lone knight on the field... and I guess that gets me thinking that I may not be standing up for some long dead way of being, holding courage and selflessness up, but rather just jousting with windmills.
As I said, just a good bit of heavy feelings, of course dreams of the past few years kick that into play, and the two hour "conversation" with my parents yesterday certainly didn't help. I figured I should update them with what was going on, with the fact that I would have to be moving, and I didn't know what I was going to do with that. I got about what I expected: a good deal of "I told you so", "how could you jeopardize your future", "what were you thinking", "how could you be so irresponsible", etc... Don't you love the way parents can always make you doubt yourself, who you are, and what you hold to have meaning? Most of that being from my Mother of course, that is her specialty. My father gave me very little, which is usual. All in all the main response was, "you got yourself into this, figure out how to get out of it, grow up and deal".
Deal? That is something that so many people keep telling me to do, and I realy don't understand what is expected. Can I not be upset? Is it not alright to be hurt and confused and lost? I am so used to being the one guiding everyone else through the woods that I get very turned around when I am the one off the trail.
But deal is what I have to do, deal is what I do. I am Lothair, it is expected of me. I am the warrior and the defender, I obviously don't need help, I help everyone else, this means I have all my ducks in a row and handle things just fine... garr... That is not to say that there haven't been honest offers for help. The problem is that all but two people don't live down here, and I can't just run away to Indy and be back with my friends that I guess I probably should have never left.
Memories are a funny thing that way. When the rug gets pulled out from under you all you really have is what you remember.
I will miss the quiet conversations in bed about anything or nothing at all.
I get so sick and tired of people given me the "lip service" responses. "hey, how you doing?" Stupid question huh? "If you need anything let me know" as long as I'm not out with your ex at the time... oops, my bad! Again, not that I think people have to "take sides" I hate that expression. It would just be nice to get some equal treatment, instead of feeling like I am an anathema. Then again, I do some of that to myself, Hell I have pushed away the one person in all the world that understands me better than anyone else because she became friends with her... and I don't want to make things ackward for them... look at me I'm a great doormat! I guess really it is the fact that I wouldn't know how to ask for help if I had to. But whatever the reason, I find myself being told so many things, and then finding people's actions to be very contrary to those words. The only conclusion I can find is that I can only trust actions, and make some attempt to defend myself by ignoring the words.
I will miss those moments of utter peace in each other's arms.
I understand that things happen, people change, etc... But why? Why being the main question I ask anymore, and seldom do I ever get an answer. Why do people interact the way they do? Some people answer that as a generational thing. The "me Generation" taking care of themselves. Some people respond with the fact that it is a college town and far too many of the people here just don't know how to act, because that is what they are learning. That I sort of agree with. I mean, Hell, I learned more in my year drinking, fighting, and partying my scholarship at Auburn away then I have ever learned. So I will give that some level of credit I guess.
Really I guess that the realization that I am about to lose so much, coupled with really missing those things right now, coupled with doing silly things like listening to music and drinking and looking at pictures, and thinking, just leaves me with a big empty space. A big space that used to be filled, and now it isn't, and I can't blame. If I could blame, if I could point fingers and find fault... but how can I? She has a right to be her, and I want her to be happy, since that apparently doesn't involve me, then how could I ever ask her to stay? I know I can't.
Part of my problem is the internal debate... no debate is too civil. Arguement is a better word. Internal arguement about Acceptance and Suffering. The one thing that my Dad really gave in this was a discussion about Defeat. Accepting defeat versus suffering. Suffering, of course, being the resistance of pain. We make ourselves suffer by denying, refusing to accept, trying to fight something we can't etc. I understand that. But the one thing that I don't get is, how do you accept defeat without giving up completely? And when other people and their choices are involved, how exactly are you supposed to keep fighting? Try and change her mind? That won't happen I know that. Try and prove her wrong? That would cause her pain, won't happen. But if I give up, if I accept this loss, then what happens to me? I have never given up before, and I am at that line, teetering on the edge of giving up, and I think that scares me.
I will miss the smell when I pushed you up against the wall and bit your neck.
Fear is an odd thing. Something I was taught from about six to not have. For those that don't know I was raised by the military. I grew up in various military academies all over the world. I was taught to be a warrior, to be a leader, to do what must be done regardless of things like fear and uncertainty. But those lessons don't really seem to apply, they seem to be failing me in this issue. I am not afraid of things that most people are. I am not afraid of dying, when the Goddess wants me back she will take me. I am not afraid of violence, I have a list as long as my leg of how many times I have been in bad fights, stabbed, shot, dropped out of helicopters, jumped off of cliffs, etc. Hell, the last time a Doctor looked at my medical chart he counted up the times that I should have died and was very impressed (the last one was four times the lethal dose of Carbon Monoxide from a broken exhaust pipe in an old reserve ambulance. I drove the patient and my partner 5 miles in that towards the hospital, calling in constant status reports and updating them on my vitals and his (as he had already passed out and the patient was critical). And I almost made it. I controlled the ambulance to a stop a few blocks away and hit the distress buttton when I knew I couldn't do it anymore.) Death doesn't frighten me, Pain doesn't scare me, my already discussed large medical chart shows that. Hell, I lived out of my car for a while because I couldn't afford rent etc after a personal situation went to crap, so loss obviously doesn't scare me... but even with all these rambly things, I am scared, and because that is something that is so foreign to me I don't know how to deal with it. Maybe there isn't a way to, that is why it is fear.
I will miss every time you said "I love you" and I could see the love in your eyes.
So what have we discussed (assuming anyone is actually still reading this rambly mess!):
1. Parent's suck
2. I don't belong
3. I am hurting but can't seem to find an acceptable way to show that
4. I am scared to stop fighting and give up
5. I really am rather lost in the woods right now
Grand, isn't that a happy list to look at?
I would try and compare what I am ranting about to the stages of grief, I know that is (in essence) what I am having to deal with, but I also know that I generally don't follow them well.
I know I am past the denial stage... I was living in that for the last few months. And I guess it fits in well with the the whole "accepting defeat" thing. I actually had believed the whole "if you love each other and you try everything will be fine" statement. So I kept loving, and I kept trying, but I wouldn't let myself see that I was the only one doing so. So yeah, denial is long gone. There is no going back. No regrets right? Isn't that how I am supposed to live me life? "If you do everything right then you have nothing to regret." What a crock of shit!
So what then anger? Yeah I don't generally dwell in anger long, I can't, not my "style". A part of me actually wants to be angry, but that would cause others pain, so I wont do it. Hell, I can't even act like an asshole for other people's good...
That is sad, I guess that is what spurred this whole post. I had come to the conclusion that the best thing to do was to repulse her, to push her away by being an asshole, that would let her do her school work and get on with her life in a way that she has expressed she can't because she worries about me and doesn't like seeing the way I am... Okay, I am restrainig a bit of a side rant about this, so maybe there is still a little anger! But the essence of it is simple. If I am an asshole that she wouldn't want to care about it will make things better for her. That was the choice I made, I can't pull it off, I've been trying but I don't know how. I can't stop loving her and worrying about her and wanting to do for her, and no matter how badly I get treated those things wont just stop... it makes for a tough way to try and be an ass.
Bargaining? Nah, I was doing that for the last few months ontop of my denial stage! Sure more space, here you go. Sure another conversation about things, here you go, whatever just don't leave, I'll do whatever just ask... I guess that in some ways it is good that she didn't, but I probably wont ever accpet that.
Depression? Ah, now there is the kicker! How do we define that? I'm not happy, does that mean I am depressed? bah, everyone is depressed in this world, hell they should be have you looked around at what we live in? I guess this is really where I am, if I am going to be honest with myself... then again, when have I ever done that?
The next step is that great big Acceptance word again. Acceptance, allowing yourself to be okay with loosing, to be okay with this huge list of things that I keep finding in my head that I am going to miss. Why should I be okay with that? Why should I be okay to say that I failed, that what I had sought out was a fable?
Fables, fairy Tales, ah a rant for another night I am sure. Let's just say I am done with them. I can't continue holding onto the way things were, the way I think things should be, the way I remember, the beautiful reward I feel I have been promised. Hell, the promise I see in another's eye is a lie, so why should I believe that there is anything more than here and now?
I will miss more than I can ever express to you, more than I can list.
Which brings me to the big question for everyone that actually managed to get through all of this ramble (I think there are probable two of you)
How do I adapt, how to I act the way everyone else does? How do I let go of the things that I have grasped so tightly that everything I have wanted has slipped through my hands? I obviously am at fault, therefore "adapt or die" becomes precedent. How do I just do for me? How do I engage in random, meanless sexual encounters, how do I tell people what they want to hear but then do what I want anyway? How do I change who I am so that I have some chance of finding something that I can actually hold onto? That is all I really ask for, I just want something I can hold onto...
Since I don't actually expect answers, and I am getting myself into a rather weak state by running with this line of thought, I will spare everyone any further rambling. Hell, I will probably delete this in the morning when I finally drag my ass to work and remember what I did. So I guess that is the reward the two of you get for making it all the way through this. |
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