Well… it has been a while since Lothair has posted much of anything up here…
Hell, it’s been a while since I’ve said much of anything to anyone, and I know that has bothered many.
It seems that I am stuck in the middle of something I can’t fully explain, a swirling vortex of nostalgia, regret, and dreams all mixing together and driving me to the edge.
My personal health, my family members’ health, the state of the economy, my ability to pay/not pay bills, the fact that my so many of my friends and now my father have lost their jobs, continued stress and difficulty with school, and a general malaise and lack of motivation… all of this has been piling up over the last few weeks, and I am having a hard time finding any way to release any of it…
I don’t think I can deal with any more faces from the past… I don’t want to be continually reminded of what I was and who I was and what people expect of me… I’m not that guy anymore… I don’t think I want to be. Of course, I’m not sure “who” I am now… I’m just me, and am struggling to be that and be happy with that fact, the same as anyone else… but that seems to not be enough for many people.
I don't want to bear any more burdens, just because it is what I do... why should I have to carry them, just because I had in the past. I can't carry my own right now, and I am too stubborn to allow others to carry them for me... but still people come to me to help them carry theirs... with nothing in return, just because that was how it used to be. I'm not turning my back on helping others... I don't think I could if I really wanted to... but I can't keep doing for everyone without doing for myself... but I don't really know how. Every time I try to learn to be selfish, to seek for myself, it seems that the Fates find it time to pull my strings and slap me around for a while.
It seems that time and again I am being forced into roles that I used to play. Having certain ways of being expected of me… I have endeavored to not be like that, I have endeavored to strengthen myself, to change… without change there is only stagnation and death…
The failings of my body, which have been expected for some time now, are coming on a bit faster than I really anticipated… repeated issues with my blood pressure and heart, difficulties keeping my blood sugar stable, which is resulting in a weight gain that I am very unhappy about, increased issues with my joints, and getting very little sleep at all are just making my ability to deal with mental, emotional, and spiritual issues all the more difficult.
Being around people without feeling a part of them, being presented with many things that I have had, or wanted to have and still being denied them, and being slapped down and debased by my failings have all increased my inability to deal effectively.
I’m not looking for advice, I’m not looking for pity, hell, I’m not even looking for empathy… these things are as they are, they are there for me to deal with, and the Goddess does not give more than we can handle.
I am finding more and more that I have a very different way of looking at time than many people. I have nostalgia, don’t get me wrong, I tell stories and spin yarns, I remember the way things were, I think about people from the past, and I sometimes long to return to them… but I don’t seek them out, I don’t look back. I think much of this comes from how I was raised. Moving every six month to a year growing up, never staying the same place, or in the same school except for the military academies resulted in my developing a defensive mechanism that gone is gone, past is past, and friends come and go, and when they are gone you don’t get to have them back. That was just the way of things, this has continued into my adult life. Every time I have moved, I have walked away clean, and not looked back. Friends and lovers from places I have lived and lives I have had are just memories, I don’t look them back up, and many times I actively avoid them. A few exceptions have hung around, of hunted me down… but generally I don’t look back. I have brought this up to many people and they see it as very odd. They think it unusual or even rude of me to not keep contact with people I am no longer around, that I no longer have any real contact with, and have real connection to. Maybe that makes me cold, maybe it is just a way to not get too attached, to not hurt when there is loss. I have at times, especially when I was younger, envied people that have grown up in the same town their entire lives. They have people that “know” them, that have been around them their entire lives, that they will always be able to connect to in some way, no matter how they change… or maybe I just envy those with siblings even more because of some of that same thing… Of course many people that have had these things think the reverse, and envy me for being able to be new everywhere I go, for not having to live up to, for having to constantly face the past… The grass is always greener I guess.
No real point to any of this, just trying to sort it in my own head. Out drinking with faces from the past, and being very alone with that. I have lived in Indiana for longer than I have ever lived anywhere else, I think maybe that is starting to get to me. I think a part of me is getting the wanderlust, wanting to pick up and go, to find the woods and walk, to see where I go next. I think a part of me needs that… but another part just wants to be in one place and have everything quit changing… to be static and permanent. To not leave, to not have those I care about leave, to have relationships established and last… but that is not the way of things. I wouldn’t really want that… trapping time in a bottle does no good for anyone.
Alright… enough rambling for one night. The wizard, the wolf, and the raven are all tired… I am tired. I guess that really sums up everything.